While my drunk roommates were stumbling in last night, the lights all the way up, making noise like no other.. well.. i was attempting to sleep. When it finally happened, well. I had this really odd dream..

I’m not sure what was wrong with me, only that I was dying. I was constantly weak, deathly skinny.. and they didn’t have a cure for me. I watched all of my highschool come back and tell me how much they loved me, and I was grateful, but didn’t understand.. why then? Why couldn’t they just let me die? I finally accepted that I was going to die, and when it finally happened.. I woke up. It was one of the weirdest experiences of my life, scary, but Not.. at the same time.. What’s strange is that it almost reminded me of my bout of anorexia.. and how I’m starting that up again. But I don’t mind not eating. God, I feel so fat.. I almost wish I’d die.. but I know that won’t happen..

I know that nobody reads this thing, and that’s fine.. but if you do someday, what do you think?

Why do I feel this way, you ask? Well, I could go into a long rant about my different emotions…

I arrived on campus 2 days before everyone else moved in. I found my room (a quad), fairly disappointed. I am not a large people-person, and love to be alone a lot. That doesn’t mean that I’m not social by any means.. I get along with people fine, I just don’t like them sometimes. I found my bed, got that figured out, and then my roommates moved in. I loved the girls, but one of them took up half the room, another was really high maintenance, and the third I actually got along with really well. Well, I’m too laid back to really approach somebody about something that I know isn’t really that terrible. We all got along okay, the only thing that we struggled with was the fact that Sharon gets cold so easily. And the girl is from Chicago.. I mean, jeez.. Anyway, she kept turning the heat all the way up (even when it was still warm outside), causing us to suffocate up there. This did get a little better.. we moved everything around a week or so ago, and now Raven and Sharon’s beds are semi-lofted, and I’m bunked on top of Kate. Of course, I still got the shitty end of the deal, but it’s whatever. I don’t have a little space of my own, so that’s kind of killing me, but oh, well. I’ll fume about that on my lonesome.

I got all excited about classes, figuring they would be amazing. Well, my Political Science class turned out to be horrendous. I couldn’t understand the professor, and I got bored during one class hour and counted how many times he said the word ‘okay’. The total? 485 times in one hour. And no, I’m not kidding. I have the tally marks on my paper to prove it. Needless to say, I dropped the class, and the professor completely turned me off to the Poli Sci program here at DePauw. My FYS professor is strict, blunt, but kind of awesome in her own awesome German way. I despise my cultures class that is at 8 in the morning and all we do is listen to a lecture and stare at a powerpoint slideshow in the dark. It really doesn’t urge me to stay awake, to be honest. I love my sociology teacher, but I’m not doing very well in his class… I’ve got like.. a C+. And since it’s DPU, that’s pretty good.. but still..

Friends… oh, friends. Well, I make them quite easily, but I don’t trust people, so I don’t really have any close friends. It’s cool.. like.. the one person that I get close to here is exactly like my best friend from high school. Whenever I make friends.. this seems to happen. She complains to me about her life, and I sit and listen quietly. And then the one time that I need to rant, I’m a complaining bitch who just needs to get over it. Does this make sense? Not really, but why does it matter?

Guys: Well. I’m in a relationship with a boy I met at church camp. He lives in Minnesota, and is different than anyone I’ve ever been with. He’s arrogant, self-centered, sarcastic, long-haired, funny, paranoid, sweet, awkward, and is just altogether different. But he lives in Minnesota. And I need comforted. I need my hand held, kissed on the eyelids, hugged… and it’s hard. I don’t know what to do about him. And I’ve got guys trailing after me, a couple who won’t say no. I’m afraid that I’m going to get into trouble, and if that happens.. I don’t want to tell him. I’m afraid of what will happen, to be honest.

***TO BE ADDED ONTO*****

Somebody wise told me the other day that every school is going to be like DePauw. I may never be happy. This is very true, and very understandable.. so why should I bother looking at anywhere else? Yeah.. I don’t know.

A classmate of mine who sits next to me in Human Cultures has a B. She has skipped at least 6 classes. I had to skip one because I was sick, emailed the professor. I have an F. Now, it’s a lecture class, and we haven’t had any work in it, so I don’t understand this.

I am miserable here at DePauw. I use musical theatre to de-stress. They don’t have that, and they don’t even let freshman do the normal theatre performances.I’ve got 3 roommates, and desperately long for silence. I’m not allowed to run, so I have no way of de-stressing. I hate the classes that I’m in. I have so many friends, but I feel so lonely..

Something just isn’t connecting. i don’t know. It’s probably my fault..

I just don’t know what to do.